Frustration

My apologies for not writing for the past 6 months. Things have been busy, revitalizing, and spiritually exhilarating. I couldn't ask for more. Sometimes I think about writing on this blog, but then realize that my time would be better used for other things. Like reading the huge amount of articles for the class that I have, memorizing some lines, or dealing with the thousands of activities that I have going on this term. I thought that by quitting one of my jobs I would have more time and be more free, but my time has just been eaten away by those things I love and don't love so much.

Today hasn't been a great day for me. I have let the tension and frustration of others feed my soul and it has landed me in a state of utter exhaustion because I have spent a majority of the day frustrated with myself and asking God why I am so unassertive. Something happened when I moved to England. I stopped being a leader and started letting others do that for me. God did not say that was okay. Part of me now craves to have a voice of reason amongst the madness, to make decisions that others now make for me. So is this lack of being assertive part of who God has made me to be? Or am I listening to the voice of the fallen one that wants me to take the back seat and see destruction instead of life? How do we tell? How do I break the habit? How do I break the way that others see me? I am frustrated with myself, and that is exactly where I hate to be. There are so many promises in the Bible of victory and overcoming. Today those promises seem far away and I am unable to speak them over my life and over my spirit. But I know those promises are there and they give me hope for tomorrow. Because maybe, just maybe, I'll arise tomorrow and be one step closer to who God says I am and who He has planned me to be.

Jane Lapotaire Returns

So Jane made her second visit of the year to come have class with us. Last time I was nervous and worried and everything turned out alright in the end. This time I was calm, it was just another class. I knew what to expect and was fine with that. Jane worked her way around the circle of us. She spent more time on some than on others, depending on what they needed. Everyone did great. Some people did new monologues-wait, Jane would kill me for saying that. They are either soliloquies or speeches, not monologues (and I quite agree with her). Other people did things they had memorized for ages, like me. I couldn't decide which one to do. My friend Katie asked a great question, "Which do you feel more comfortable with drama or comedy?" My answer was "drama." She replied "Than do comedy, what better place to try it out and get great advice for?" So I chose to do Julia's letter monologue from The Two Gentlemen of Verona. Great monologue.

When Jane had gone through everyone else she looked at me and said "your turn Kristen." So I got up and performed it as best I could. I even got a couple of laughs from my classmates. Jane had a huge smile on her face when I ended. She said that I did really well. She also said that she usually hates sitting through this soliloquy because actors usually make her feeble minded and wishy-washy. But that she enjoyed it this time. She said that the first three lines still need work, but that it was good. And then asked me to perform it again. It was a great day in class. She said she was glad that I was the last one to go and to end on a good note. I just have to apply the dedication and goodness of that monologue to two plays now. Praise God for the wonderfulness that God is in using me to reflect his creativeness and God's provision.

It's Been a Little Bit

Sorry that I haven't written in a while. Life gets away from us sometimes. I'm sure that I have no good excuse as to why, there have been wonderful things to tell you all. For instance, the three weeks that I got to spend at home with family, friends, and other people that I like. I also got to meet the two newest members of my family, Malachi Douglas, and Zachary Aiden. They are both beautiful ginger (red heads in the UK are called ginger) boys. They are growing so much and are so long, both of them have grown about 3 inches in 2 or 3 months. Amazing how fast they grow right from the beginning. It was a good time and I am so happy I went home. I am just waiting now for my Ma to come and visit me. We bought her plane ticket while I was home. So it is official, she is coming in September!

I am currently attempting to look for a job for the summer. I would like to have some work to do to keep me busy and out of trouble. My last term for the year goes until July 3. I have three performances of two shows June 17th through 24th. And my big big big project of my degree is due on August 31. It's scary to think about that. It's weird to think that I only have a little over a year left on my degree. It seems so long when I started.

I found a job that I would like to have for next year. The school has a Chaplaincy that covers various types of religions and denominations, they are looking for a lay pastor to work 10 hours a week. It is well paid and there is just something in me that really wants to do this job. I don't know what it is. I haven't ever wanted a job like I want this one. There will be several different aspects of the job, but I want it. I think it will be a wonderful way to meet more people and to do God's work on campus. (I really feel like I haven't done anything this year.) I am so used to doing things with church and chapel, etc. I miss it, a lot. Please pray that it will go well. And if it is not what God wants for me, God will provide something else that is just as wonderful.

I don't have any deep insights. I'm kind of in a hum-drum way of life right now. I am waiting for the flood of things to do starts up next week/this weekend. But I can only live in the here and now. So I'll continue to accept this gift of rest for now. Love you all!

Stratford-upon-Avon and a Brilliant Moment in Theatre

This was a beautiful sunset that reminded me of Nebraska's brilliant ones. Not as good in the picture, but still beautiful.

I'm sorry that my trend of not writing has become a habit. I don't intend to, but life and laziness happens.

A couple of weeks ago I went to Stratford-upon-Avon, Shakespeare's birthplace, and did some research at the Shakespeare Birthplace Trust and Archive. Stratford is a very small town. There is a lot of tourism, but still has retained that small town feel. I loved being there. It was so great, it felt like being home. Nothing was more than a five minute walk from where ever you are. And there are lots of Tudor homes still standing, a great feat since the Tudor period was from the early 1500 through the death of Queen Elizabeth in 1603. Crazy!

While we were there we saw a production of The Tempest. It was from the Baxter Theatre Company in Johannesberg, South Africa. And it was an African version of the Tempest. It was a great production with traditional dancing and music, they used lots of different African languages and pulled from lots of cultures, too. But I think my favorite part was at the end. There is a character named Prospero who has ruled over and island for 15 years and kept Ariel, a spirit, as a sort of slave during that time. Ariel wants nothing more than to be set free, and continually asks throughout the play, believing that every time he completes a task for Prospero that he will be given his freedom. Finally at the end of the play, the very last line to be exact, Prospero sets him free. This takes many different shapes over the years, but what they did in this production is my favorite. As Ariel approaches Prospero, Prosper sprinkles Ariel with water. Then Prospero invites Ariel to step into a wash basin of water, he does so. Then Prospero takes a gourd and washes Ariel with water, and as he does, the make-up on Ariel's body washes away. It made my heart flutter and I almost cried. It was a beautiful image to watch. I know that I bring to it my Christian beliefs, but the washing away of the sins of the past was very present in the theatre at that moment. I even get flutters as I tell others about it. Another reminder why I do theatre and the power it holds if we are willing to use it well.

I haven't been up to much since then. I am working on my paper that uses the research from Stratford. I am going to see Patrick Stewart and Ian McKellan in Waiting for Godot on Monday. I am very excited to see them on stage and see Waiting for Godot, too. Other than that my life is ho-hum. God is good and has placed some people on my heart that I have been praying for salvation for them and trying to be a good example for them and answer questions as best I can when they ask about my faith and what I believe. God is faithful.

Update

This is Katie and I at Trafalgar Square in front of one of the lions.

This is the tiring house, or the backstage area, at the Globe, looking out onto the stage. There is a huge feeling of power when you walk out onto the stage for the first time. I hope I get to feel that again.

My favorite view in all of London, at Trafalgar Square looking toward Parliament and Big Ben.

Wow, the month of February has slipped by me. I spent the first week on tour with Much Ado, was snowed out of our last two performances (so we are making one up tomorrow). The next two weeks I was in London taking classes at the Globe. If ever anything has felt good and at home and a place that I felt I belonged and was doing good work it was there. I thank God that we got to go and that it was a wonderful experience. I wish we had more classes like that and instructors like that. But we make due with what we have. The past week I have been recovering from London. It was nice to rest for a while because I was in all day rehearsals all through January. On Sunday we go to Stratford for a week to do research at the Shakespeare Birthplace Trust. And see the Tempest and meet with Antony Sher afterward. Exciting!

Last weekend I did something called Shake in a Day. Where we had people give us Shakespeare play suggestion, we put them in a hat, picked one completely at random, cast the show, rehearsed it, memorized it and performed it in 24 hours. I have never been so tense for so long in all my life. But it was so much fun. We ended up doing Taming of the Shrew and I got to play Kate. That is one of my favorite roles of all times. It was so much fun. I was very surprised at how much actual Shakespeare I memorized in that little amount of time. We didn't have to be word perfect, if we knew the gist of the line we could try and improv through it in "Shakespeare" sounding words. It was great fun. I got to work and meet some undergrads that were loads of fun.

But for all the fun and amazing things that we have been doing over the past month there is a divide happening among our little group. I hate that it is happening. We are all trying not to notice it and pretending that it doesn't exist, but it is there. And I am waiting for someone to start the fight that will make the division more pronounced and horrible. We have a break coming up in two weeks and I don't believe that it can come soon enough. I am not a confrontational person, so I'm not going to say anything. But it is affecting us. If you can pray for unity. Because I want it to be an "us", not just people together that stand each other. I want ensemble again.

On a happier note, when I was in London I saw a wonderful production of Three Days of Rain by Richard Greenberg. It was a show that reminded me why I do theatre, that wonderful things like that can occur and people are challenged to think and question and reflect. The greatest point of all was that James McAvoy was in it. It was only a three person show and everyone was brilliant. After the show I went to the stage door to get an autograph. I got James McAvoy to sign my program and he handed it back and I said "thank you" and he said "cheers" back to me. James McAvoy talked to me. (I know I'm being very girly right now. Apologies.) It was an enthralling night. It made me happy for a week!

Conquering, Blessings, and Dancing God

The past two weeks have flown by. I have spent a majority of my time in rehearsal, typically around 6 or 7 hours a day. It is exhausting. I don't think that I realized just how exhausting until today when I went to get up for church. It was a struggle. I have spent the day exhausted and plan to sleep early tonight. While others are almost done with their tech jobs, my is only beginning. So more exhaustion is on its way. But I was reminded by my church today that God will not give me more than I can handle. And that I am a conqueror in Christ. I don't do this by my own strength, but by my God who strengthens me. I am so grateful for that.

I have been so blessed by my church. It was a long road getting to a place where I knew where I needed to be. But I am sure that this is the place. Where else am I challenged every week to be better, to not just sit and politely listen to the sermon, but engage and think along with what is being spoken, to recognize just how blessed I am, to aim for excellence, to draw closer to my God and have a relationship with him. I needed to get some groceries before I headed home after the morning service. I met Rachel and Grace on my way back. I stopped. Rachel asked me if I was okay. I said I was tired. She let me go so that I could take a nap. At the end of the evening service Rachel and Grace pulled me aside and gave me a gift. They bought me a heart shaped notepad and wrote encouraging things in it. That is the kind of community that I want to be a part of. One where we lift each other up, not matter what. I felt very blessed by them.

Another thing about my church that I love is that they have a dance team. Today three guys did some hip-hop to one of the songs. It was great. And Susana, who is in charge of the group, asked me to be a part of it too. So now there are six of us, three guys and three ladies. I'm so excited to start dancing again. I just have to wait until I get back from London to join them on Tuesday nights. Yay!

Panic, Poetry, and Prayer

So Christmas break is coming to a close. Tomorrow I start to work on a show for a total of 15 days and then onto 8 performances around Devon (the county I'm in). Am I scared? Yes. Am I worried? Yes. Am I stressed out? Well, not yet, but I can foresee it coming in the future. If you ever come to England, to visit or to live, let me give you this one piece of advice: the English are not efficient, nor do they try very hard (because that would require effort with possible failure-something they don't necessarily like). So my professor, Mick, who is directing the show has been saying all along that we are going to be crap. Many of my course-mates are taking this to heart that he really thinks that we are going to be crap and therefore setting us up for failure. While part of me thinks that he does believe it, part of me doesn't. I believe that he is "lowering expectation", another thing that the English do well. But this mentality from Mick is giving concern to my fellow course-mates. I'm trying to be positive.

Since doing four summer tours, I know what a panic can be like in this situation. I don't think that some of my course-mates have the same experience, or anything remotely close. But there are huge differences between summer tour and this. One, Jeff was always organized, in some manner; Mick is really not organized at all. Claiming that he worked on research projects over break, some not even his own. We had a rehearsal schedule, down to scenes/plays we were doing when. No such thing has appeared in our little hands. Jeff, always had a vision of what it should look like. Mick has no such thing, getting our fellow undergrads to do some of the work for him, like the concept. Most importantly, I don't think that all of us trust each other.

All of this has come to a head. I am anxiously procrastinating going to sleep. I want to relax a bit, but my head keeps telling me, "get all the work done on this script that you can before you walk in that door tomorrow afternoon." Homework meaning my GOTE for every scene, what people say about me, going through Michael Shurtleff's 12 points, and general rhythm of the poetry aka scansion.

But something that I was reminded of this morning, and I am humbled by now, is that I should have been praying about this far more in advance than I have. I should have been praying from the moment that I knew what show we were doing, through getting our parts, through getting our crew positions, through memorizing, through the home work, through rehearsal, through the shows. But I haven't been. I have been relying on faith that things will be alright. But I don't have that guarantee, mostly because I'm not at Northwestern anymore; my safe haven, where everything would always be alright and turn out fine. So I'm starting today, to pray. My goal is to pray everyday on my way to rehearsal, through rehearsal, through breaks, and on my way home. Praying continually, something that I don't always remember to do. But it's up to me to pray for this show, because no one else here is going to do it. So if you remember during your day, please pray for our show, little though it is it needs so much prayer.

The People I See

It's a strange feeling to walk down the street and see a face at a distance. Then your brain starts to work and you say "oh, that's so and so". When in reality it's not, its just one of those weird look-alike experiences. I think that I have seen just about everyone here, though it's not really everyone. It's their sneaky twins that live in another place. On my way to classes I pass by a lot of students that are headed onto campus for class. Just about every morning I think I see someone from home. There was an Anna, and a Steve, and a Matt, and on and on goes the list. It's almost like God is giving me little bits of reassurance, that in this world I'm not typically a part of, there are still things I can see that are from home. God is giving comfort and familiarity when I don't always feel it. These people don't know me, don't know my past or even my friends, but they are a blessing when they come, unbeknown to them.

Blessings of the Season

If there is something that I have felt over the past two weeks, it is loved. At the beginning of the semester it was hard not really having any friends around and being on my own. But now that is not the case. Over break the people and friends in my life have shown great amounts of love and generosity toward me. People of all kinds were inviting me to their family's houses or their house for Christmas. I finally had to make a choice about where to go. And it really wasn't a choice because Liana told me I was coming to her house to make a pumpkin pie. I have been to Liana and Drew's many times over break and they are quickly becoming good friends. My friends are great people. Katie had me over on New Year's Eve and she made supper for a bunch of us, and she wouldn't let us pay for anything. I finally got her to let me bring dessert. Katie is a very giving person. And it humbles me, a lot. I am truly blessed by those around me. I can only pray that in some way I am being a blessing to them. I can only hope that I am being the light of God in their lives. So this holiday season humbleness, love and blessings have been in abundance. I am hoping that all of you have felt the same things.

Giving Out of Love

Wow, it has been over two weeks since I've written anything. I'm so sorry. My life has consisted at half hearted attempts at working on papers (one down and working on the other one), church, and hanging out with my friends. Life has slowed down to a pace that is almost too slow. I'm trying to enjoy it. But I don't think that I could handle life at this pace much longer. I know that when next term starts I'm going to wish that these lazy days were back. So I'm trying to enjoy them as much as possible.

The High Street has been buzzing with people every time I go into town. It was particularly bad today, as it usually is. I got my shopping done a while ago and sent my package a bit too late. So I haven't really had any reason to go down and shop. One thing that I hate about Christmas is that I'm always looking for things to buy others and end up finding tons of things I want to buy for myself. Including all the products at both kitchen stores I have found (I LOVE kitchen stuff). Why is it so hard to give without wanting in return? Maybe because it is expected. But I don't want to expect people to give me things. I think that gifts are a form of showing love from one person to the next. I want to give out of love, not cause I'll get something too.

We had a Christmas service at church this past Sunday. It was an interesting service. The pastor is on vacation to South Africa, where he and his wife are originally from. So they played these clips from the previous year of Mike out talking to other people in town. They were all talking about how Christmas is getting to be commercialized and people skip over baby Jesus. And then they had Father Christmas, aka Santa, come and give presents to the children in the congregation. I'm still trying to wrap my mind around their thinking, but they are English and they aren't know for their efficiency. But it almost contradicted what they were trying to teach. I know that it was a form of giving, but the children were getting and expecting. I have to think about it a bit more....

Conversations with God

If there is something that has increased in my life, it is the amount of time I communicate with God. Not just talking, but listening. Life here is different. Gone is the safety net that Orange City has become for me. And in it's place is a city, and department that is breaking at the seems with non-Christians. With the change of dynamic is a change in the way I behave, act, and talk in that community.

A couple of weeks ago I got really mad and frustrated because of all the complaining that is going on in and among and about the people in my course. I don't want to spend my spare time talking down about people and complaining about how so-and-so ruined some performance or another. I want uplifting conversation that focuses on things above rather than the things below. I want to talk about good theatre, what works and doesn't work, I want to talk about people's uplifting qualities. I want to leave the past there and look forward to the future. I spent Friday night out with some of the girls. The night consisted of complaints on something that cannot be changed. I kept my mouth shut. I didn't try to change the subject. I didn't try and defend those who were being picked on. I did nothing. Sometimes doing nothing hurts more than doing something and being shunned. I don't know what to do about this. I can only ask God for help. We are still working on it together, in constant communication when the complaining is going on.

Church is another thing that God is communicating with me about. Trinity was a wonderful place to be. I loved it there. Trying to find a church here in Exeter is a different experience. It's not like choosing from the same types of church (ie Reformed variations), it is like picking from totally different churches. I tried a church, River Dream Center, my first week here in Exeter and decided that I didn't want to be there. I judged too fast because of how uncomfortable I was.

This past week at Nooma Liana was talking about the local church and what it means to us as Christians. And as clear as if God was just behind me on my left, God said "you need to go to River Dream Center." Conversation ensued. I complained about my level of comfort. God challenged me to be challenged. To step outside of who I am and where I have been stuck. To try letting God work in my life in powerful ways instead of limiting like I have been. I knew there was nothing else to do, but to go. So I went. And God challenged me in my thinking tonight. I'm still thinking about it and wrestling with it. I think I'll be contemplating it for a long time. While growing can be painful and frustrating, I'm glad that I came here. I'm glad that God is challenging me. I'm glad that I'm growing. I'm glad that God is concerned about where I am as a spiritual being. I'm glad that God is good ALL the time.

Thanksgiving, Cookies, and Goodness

Otgo, Candy, Sarah, and Matt making lasagna.

Candy and Otgo frosting sugar cookies.

I celebrated Thanksgiving a week ago with people from my course. Matt and Abby were gracious enough to open their apartment to us for the occasion. They took care of the turkey, stuffing, vegetables, and a couple of other things, like banaffee pie. The rest of us were supposed to bring things that we liked to have for Thanksgiving. My original idea was to take pumpkin pie, but alas the British are not as big of fans of pumpkin as we are in the States, and I couldn't find canned pumpkin anywhere. I did find some expensive pumpkins at the grocery store that I wasn't about to buy. So I changed from pumpkin pie to cookies. I was a little bit disappointed because I had some other friends that wanted to try pumpkin pie and I couldn't give them any. But so goes life. And I might try again some other time. Who knows. We played charades with just about everyone and it was a lot of fun. Ruby, Sym's daughter, age 4, helped me come up with clues to put in the pot. She is a very intelligent 4 year-old. She gave me the suggestions of Doctor Who and both her and her sister for a clue. People hated me until the found out that Ruby helped and then it was the greatest thing on the planet. My team lost, but we also had a very non-theatre person with us. But he tried really hard, so we can't blame him. Later we played Trivial Pursuit. It was great, it was Team Canada, England 1, England 2, and Team USA. Abby and I came in second. We were quite proud of ourselves.

I made sugar cookies the day before with Candy, Sarah, and Otgo. We had quite the time. Cause see, I lost my recipe. I tried to remember it as best I could, but I didn't get the recipe correct. But they still tasted good. We frosted them and put some sprinkles on them too. In between batches of cookies baking I taught Candy to waltz. She loves it. She makes me dance with her just about everywhere now. But it was good. We came back to Sarah's in the evening to make lasagna with them and one of Sarah's house mates, Matt. They made a white cheese sauce for the lasagna instead of a tomato based one. It was really good, but I had a lot of trouble climbing up the hill on my way back to my room. It was seriously a brick in my stomach. I don't think that it went away for a couple of days either, it just sat there being slowly digested.

Things are going well here. We have two weeks of classes left and then Christmas break. I have so far, applied for a job that would take me through Christmas. But I, hopefully, can find one that will go all the way through break. But life is good. I am fitting very well with my Nooma family. I find myself wanting to hang out with those people more and more. My love for them grows deeper and deeper as I spend more time with them. They are a true blessing from God. I am still struggling with how I am being the salt and light of God to my course mates and my flat mates. There are times when I get very discouraged, because I feel like I am not doing enough. But I do know that God is using me, and that the things that I do and say for God are not returning to God void. They are full of God's power and might and love. I just have to keep reminding myself. So if you can continue to pray for my course mates and my flat mates, that would be wonderful. I love you all!

Casting and the Graciousness Taught Me

So this has been a not so great week. The stress level is up and so is the frustration with people. I know that I wrote yesterday that things are better, but one step into rehearsal today and I just knew that nothing had changed. Everyone still wanted power over everyone else, with some exceptions including me who just said I'm working on lines today so let me be (and amazingly enough they did). So tomorrow morning, first thing is the presentation of our scene and then life will be so much better! I'm ready for that.

We also received our parts for the play we are touring this January, Much Ado About Nothing. There are only nine of us, so we get a couple of parts each. I didn't think that Mick would cast me as Beatrice. I was kind of hoping for it, but I knew that I wasn't going to get it. So I thought that he would cast me as Don Pedro, the prince! I would have enjoyed that part a lot. As he was going through the list he said Don Pedro and then Abby. In the past I've had these weird things that I just knew when my name would be called. I knew my name would be next. And it was. I'm Claudio. Yes, I'm playing a man. Yes, he is one of the lovers in the show. Yes, I'm a bit worried about having to play a man wooing a woman, enough said.

I was a bit disappointed. But then I realized that there are lots of guys who want to have the part of Claudio. That look at that part and say "there is something there worth competing for." After that I realized how much of a wide range of emotions Claudio goes through in the play. And I am very flattered that Mick thought I am worthy of that part, that I can do it, that I am good enough to play Claudio. It is a real compliment. I am grateful for the challenge.

Sym on the other hand. Sym is not a happy woman right now. She doesn't like the way that it has been cast. And she's not afraid to tell people. It makes me think of all the times at Northwestern where the same kind of situation was potentially there, and never happened. Because at Northwestern they teach you how to be gracious, and humble when cast lists go up. That this might not be your turn, but you can rejoice with those who get their chance. I wish that spirit could abound here. But time will heal. And we move on to the next thing.

Frustration, Freedom, and Flame

So the last couple days I have spent in frustration and stress. People in my groups have been treating me like I am stupid and I don't know anything and need it explained to me in detail (or so it feels). They ignore me when it comes to leading the group. I had a hard time staying in the room toward the end of rehearsal on Monday. I think that sometimes I want things to be like they were at Northwestern where ensemble was put above everything and I worked well with everyone, where group projects were just that-run by the group. But here things are different. We don't have a common training or background. There is nothing here to draw us together except that we are in a group in the same class and the same course. Christ is not the center of what we do. Therefore my tactics and the way I interact in a group setting needs to change. And things are changing, it is just taking a little bit of time.

The same thing happened on Tuesday when we met for our final assessment project. I know that it is better for me to just keep it inside until I'm away from everyone and then vent. That is what I did. I spent last night complaining and venting to God. I'm sure that God was shaking his head like a father listening to a child that can't control their emotions, but I do know that God listened. I am grateful for that. I also asked God to help me and to not let this get in the way of what God is doing through my life to those around me that don't know him.

I woke up late this morning and was awaken also by the person downstairs listening to their music (or at least their bass) up loud. I was not a happy camper. So I thought that it was going to be a bad, grumpy, frustrating morning at my group meeting. On the way there I just listened to some music that centered me on God and prayed that it would be a good day. And it has been. The meeting this morning was wonderful and we got a lot done. And the rest of the day has been good too (I had Nooma tonight, yay!). The only thing that didn't get done was learning all my lines for my scene on Friday. But I don't really care right now. I just want to sleep through the night and not be woken by anything and rest in the peace of God. I'm so thankful that God listens to our prayers and is so approachable when it comes to venting.

One of my favorite lines of poetry goes like this "flare up like flame and make big shadows I can move in." That is the desire of my heart. I think that over the past couple of days my flames have been small, smothered by the frustration. But God allowed me to cast that frustration off and let God fan my flame so that I could "flare up". I hope that the flames will get bigger as the days go by so that God can move freely in whatever way he chooses.

Woolacombe

Kiri, Catrin, and I (l to r) sitting in the Red Barn restaurant eating rock cakes and having mocha/hot chocolate. And Woolacombe Bay with a bit of sunshine (which there wasn't a lot of).

Pronounced Wool-a-come. But I guess the b has to be in there cause it is cool that way. I don't know. I think that the English like doing things the hard way. Cause many times they don't really make sense, they just like to pretend it does. Anyway, I went to Woolacombe this weekend. It was great to get away for a while. I think that I have been letting a "goodness, I'm the only one in my course that is a Christian and the salvation of these other eight people are weighing on my shoulders" mentality to get a hold of me. Granted the weight is still there, and probably should be there to remind me, but it was getting very heavy. So it was great to get away with a bunch of other Christians.

The heavy feeling mentioned above is very real and very prevalent to me right now. A couple of weeks ago I went out with some friends and just heard a bunch of things about them that broke my heart. They are all searching for love in the wrong places. So I know what my job is this year. But I also realized that it is my responsibility, I don't have any other Christians in my course to help share the burden of reaching them. It is mine. I've never been in this situation before. I don't know how to do this. It has been six years since I've been in a 'secular' community. So part of me is foundering around wondering if I can do this. I'm not the kind of person that just goes up to a person and says "you need God." I can't do that. I don't have that in me. Like most things in my life, I have nuance to how I approach it. But I don't have time for that. The first term is almost done and I haven't accomplished much of anything.

So Woolacombe was a time for that to be released to God, to allow God to work in my heart. I know that responsibility is still there, but the worry and stress isn't quite as much as it was before. We had worship services in the evening. Mostly just allowing us to come into the presence of God. I spend the first night thinking about the above mentioned things. The second night was just a time of rejoicing. It has been a while since I just rejoiced in the Lord. I think a lot of time we spend repenting and humbling ourselves, which is needed, but then we miss our chance to glorify the Lord. I was smiling quite a bit during that. (It was also a bit awkward cause others were having a repenting and humbling time, while I was smiling-weird.) But it was good.

I also went to the beach and strolled around town. I played Dance Dance Revolution for the first time with Kiri. We had great fun. Then we watched others do and I have to say that Mike was the most entertaining. He had very jerky movements and then kind of flapped-ish his arms like a chicken. Candy did the cooking. It was yummy! I did the dishes once. It was supposed to be the boy's responsibility, but they were all off doing other things and the dishes weren't getting done when the needed to be done for dinner. So I just did it. But I like doing that. I also played Texas Hold'em poker and lost by one card. Craziness of poker. But it was great fun losing. It was a great refreshing weekend.

Flaming Barrels of Tar, continued

So one of the first adult barrels we went to was on a narrow street. My friends and I parked ourselves next to a wall with a garage door in it. I thought, this doesn't look too safe. But there were so many people trying to dictate what we did, I didn't say anything. Now when they light the barrels everyone crowds around it. The let it burn a bit, then roll it around to make sure everything inside is burning. Then the first person picks it up and runs. We were fairly close to the lighting of the barrel. The first man picked it up and ran down the street toward us. And just about three feet to my side he decided he needed to pass it off. But this was not an elegant pass in the slightest. He was wobbly on his feet and almost crashed into the wall where my friend Helena was standing two seconds earlier. But Helena can move quickly when she is in peril and was trying to dig through us and out of danger. It was quite hot, but I kept looking at the barrel cause I wanted to know where it was and which direction it was going. Well the men finally made the pass and on his way by us he said "hello!" It was a very funny moment. But so much adrenaline was flowing, it was great. I looked around to make sure everyone was okay and I see Phoebe walking out of the garage. The crowd had pressed her against the door and the latch wasn't too good, so she flew through the door and landed on her back.

Kelly was big on snaking when we went through crowds. She would call "snake", not the best idea in a crowd. Cause if I heard someone calling snake I would run in the opposite direction. But we would link hands and appease her. When we thought that the barrel was done, the one mentioned above, we started to make our way through the crowd to the next one. But we were wrong, very wrong. The barrel was not over, it was still going strong and we were heading right into the action. I was holding on to Lauren's hand and Kelly's. Lauren had made a comment to me earlier that she was always the one being pulled apart in chains like that. And a person got in between us and I couldn't go any further, and she was being pulled and we got folded up, so I let go of her hand. Cause I didn't want to cause pain. I'm pretty good at getting through a crowd and finding people. But not when there is a flaming barrel of tar flying by. Matt, Kelly, and I got separated from our group and stuck in the crowd. I felt the intense heat of the flames as it whizzed by my head. Looking back, it is pretty funny. I do believe that I was laughing and thinking it was amusing while it was happening, but Kelly wasn't she was worried that we wouldn't find them again, which is ridiculous cause we knew where we were parked. We found each other and headed to the Lady's Barrel.

We went to one of the lady's barrels. These barrels are not as big as the men's and therefore less scary in my mind. My friends Lauren and Katie were taking pictures throughout the night. We were in the middle of the street for the lady's barrel. The barrel had just passed and Katie took an awesome picture and I wanted to see it, as did some others around me. So we are looking at the picture telling Katie what a fabulous job she did when Lauren says in a very calm voice "um, guys, it's coming back, like now" We look up just in time to run out of the way and let the barrel through. Let's just say that we didn't look at pictures again for a while.

But part of the problem with the lady's barrels is that a) the ladies are shorter and b) the barrels are smaller, so it is harder to see when they are coming. You kind of have to watch the buildings around you and move when it gets within eye-shot. So yet again, we were not paying attention and we see the flames coming very close, very fast. I run to the curb where Helena is and turn around to see the barrel fly by. I realize that my right hand is not by my body. I look over and there is a guy about 19 or 20 standing there looking at me. I look down and there is my hand grabbing onto his arm for protection I guess. I look back up and quickly take my hand away. I put on a sheepish smile and say "so sorry." (The English are big on sorry.) He smiles at me like, that's okay this happens all the time, which I'm sure it doesn't he was pretty scrawny (as are most Englishmen). So I made sure I knew who I was grabbing onto from them on.

I'm not going to tell about the men running with the barrel down the hill, cause it's really not that interesting of a story. So I'll tell a bit about the bonfire and then be done with this ridiculously long entry. They have a bonfire on Guy Fawkes Night, every one does. But this was the biggest bonfire I have every been to in my life. The pile of wood was about 2 1/2 to 3 stories tall. And on top sat Guy Fawkes. They dress up and stuff a man and set him on top of the bonfire. Everyone watches and wait for Guy to light up. Which is very hard to see when a 3 story pile of wood is smoking and flaming. But he eventually caught light and everyone cheered. But the heat from that bonfire was intense! I couldn't stand it after about 15 minutes.

So that was my first Guy Fawkes Night in England. It was wonderful. I will hopefully get some pictures from Katie and Lauren soon and I'll post them for you to see. Maybe I can get a video from Katie and you can see some live action. Thanks for hanging in there with me.

Flaming Barrels of Tar

So November 5th is a very big thing here in the land of England. They usually celebrate with a bonfire and fireworks. But there is a town, a very special town where there is another tradition, a very special tradition.

The town: Ottery St. Mary's.
The tradition: flaming barrels of tar.

No one knows how this tradition got started, but it is started at the beginning of the 17th century and hasn't stopped. I have to admit that I had a blast while I was there. Ok, so on to the specifics. Men, women, and children participate in the barrels o' flames. But you can only run with the barrels if you have been born in Ottery. They start training their children to do this at a young age. I'm very sure that I saw a boy of the age of 6(ish) running with a small barrel.

Over the course of the year someone is in charge of a barrel, making sure that it cures in the right way to make great flame on November 5th. There are certain times on certain streets where a barrel is going on. There are only two barrels going on at a time in the whole town, they go about every 15 minutes.

So there is a team of people that are competing against other teams in the town. I have no idea how they keep track of who won or points, but I do know that it is bad if the barrel is dropped on the ground or goes out. Each barrel gets lit by the paraffin man, yes that is what is written on his yellow fluorescent vest, or the barrel marshal, yes that is written on an arm band (they also carry around cans of paraffin). They roll the barrel around for a bit to make sure that all of the inside is alight with flame. Then one person picks up the barrel and puts it on the nape of their neck and starts running through the streets. But these streets are English streets and therefore tiny. These streets also happen to be stuffed to the brim with people like me and my friends who go to have their lives put in danger. When one person gets too hot or tired (which happens quite often) they switch, without putting the barrel on the ground, and the next person runs. Now I know this sounds weird, cause Americans would never do anything like that (listen to the sarcasm), and it is very dangerous. But these people have been trained all their lives to do it and there are always paramedics nearby.

So boy's barrels was pretty unexciting cause they have small barrels and there are grownups there all the time with them making sure they are okay. (Although Katie and Lauren saw a little boy get burnt earlier in the day.) My favorite part was a kid whose mitt caught alight while he was carrying the barrel (the mitts are like big oven mitts covered in burlap and I'm sure treated in such a way so as not to cause harm to the hands that are clutching the flaming barrels of tar), calmly put his glove on the street and tapped at it with his foot. He didn't stomp it to get it out quickly, he tapped it.

Okay, I realize that this is getting very long, so I'll do a to be continued. Tomorrow the men's barrel that almost killed my friends and I, dodging the lady's barrel while trying to look at Katie's pictures on her camera, grabbing a hold of a strange man for protection, and men running down the hill, oh and the bonfire (so much happened tonight geeze). I'll hopefully have some pictures from Katie to put up for you too. More to come.

James Bond, Pavement, and Looking Up

I went to the new James Bond movie tonight. One of the perks of living in the UK is that I get to see the movie before it comes out in America. Bad side is that I have no one at home to talk about it for another two weeks. Ok, so when/if you see it, let me know what you think. I actually liked the theme song this time. I usually had the music that is written, but this was Jack White and Alicia Keys. Very good. Ok, that's all I'll say about that.

One thing that my friends and I have noticed about England is that walking on the pavement (sidewalk) is a huge game of chicken. There are no rules that govern the walking patterns and habits of the English. This frustrates me, a lot. For example when the width of the pavement has gone down to two people sized, and there are two people walking side by side, they don't move, I have to. Lots of times I end up passing in the street because people don't move, unless you refuse to move and look straight ahead. Then they will take a couple of small steps to one side and then make you turn sideways so that you don't collide with their shoulders or handbags. Very frustrating.

Also I have yet to see a piece of pavement that is one solid piece and non-bumpy. Everything has a crack in it or is uneven. So you constantly have to be looking down. I was taught that you look up when you are walking, it's a sign of confidence. But should I attempt to do that here I would trip, stumble into the road, and perish because a speeding car has collided with my fragile body. So I have to look down. I miss looking up. I want to look up and look into a face and smile and have them smile back. That really doesn't happen here. Maybe someday.

Halloween

So I think that this was the best Halloween I've had in my grown up life. They don't really do trick-or-treating here. It's basically an excuse to have a fancy dress party (costume party), which the English in these parts love to do. So my friends Lauren, Libby, and I went to the Cathedral for a "Haunted Walk". They told us stories of witches and ghosts and hauntings, ooh murders and prison breaks too. It was was a lot of fun. Freezing, but fun. The lady that gave us our tour was great. She was probably in her 60s and she was so into it. She would tell the stories with fervor and make big gestures, which the English don't do. She was the sweetest thing ever. We had to cross the street and she made sure we knew which way to look and that we all got across safely. She even forgot where the touching stone was. The other lady that was with us was like "it's where it has always been." Cute moment. So we all had to go back and tourch the touching stone. I would love to have a tour with her again. Maybe next year. Then my friends and I went to Pizza Express where I had one of the best pizzas ever! It was a vegetarian pizza with black olives, red peppers, asparagus, mushrooms, and artichokes. So good. Oh, and pesto. The only bad thing was that Libby is sick. She probably shouldn't have come out with us in the cold. She started to get really weak, sore, and had chills a lot. She couldn't stop shaking. She took a cab home. Lauren and I went to Harry's Bar and Grill. Two people in our course work there. Jeremy made us some Irish coffees. It was really good. Nice and hot to warm us up. Lauren and I are going to make Libby a care package tomorrow and give it to her to help her out. So besides Libby being sick it was a great Halloween.

Shower Heads and Libby

So luckily I got up fairly well today. I was still in my pajamas at 10:30 when there was a knock on my door. My first thought was that it was room check (they check to make sure our rooms are still occupied every week). But room check is on Tuesday, it's Monday. So I answered the door. Here was a very nice older man standing in the hallway. He said he was here to fix my shower. I was so excited. But I was still in my pajamas. So he gave me a minute. Then he proceeded to fix my shower. There is so much water coming out of my shower head now that I can't believe it. There is water coming out of all the little holes in the shower head. I'm so happy. I can't wait to take a shower with normal amounts of water coming out of it. It's going to be so good.

It has also been a very productive day. I got a lot done. And that makes me happy. But we divided up parts for our group presentations on Friday. I have a 50 line monologue to memorize, plus the rest of the scene. So I'll be working hard on that.

I also have a girls night for Nooma tomorrow night. We are going to make sugar cookies and pizza. We will watch some movies. I invited my friend Libby to come. Libby isn't a Christian so I thought this would be a good thing to invite her to, to kind of ease her into a Christian environment. But I don't know if she is going to come. We will see. So if you have a spare minute and want to pray for something, pray that Libby will come, and if not to this one, to the next one. Libby has had some bad experiences with Christians in the past and is a bit resistant to it (though she said when she does go to church she likes going to Quaker meetings, interesting). So hopefully I can be God's worker in her life. That she will become a Christian. I know that it's not going to happen over night, but maybe over the next year something can happen. But God knows best, and I'll trust him and try to do his will as best I can.