Frustration, Freedom, and Flame

So the last couple days I have spent in frustration and stress. People in my groups have been treating me like I am stupid and I don't know anything and need it explained to me in detail (or so it feels). They ignore me when it comes to leading the group. I had a hard time staying in the room toward the end of rehearsal on Monday. I think that sometimes I want things to be like they were at Northwestern where ensemble was put above everything and I worked well with everyone, where group projects were just that-run by the group. But here things are different. We don't have a common training or background. There is nothing here to draw us together except that we are in a group in the same class and the same course. Christ is not the center of what we do. Therefore my tactics and the way I interact in a group setting needs to change. And things are changing, it is just taking a little bit of time.

The same thing happened on Tuesday when we met for our final assessment project. I know that it is better for me to just keep it inside until I'm away from everyone and then vent. That is what I did. I spent last night complaining and venting to God. I'm sure that God was shaking his head like a father listening to a child that can't control their emotions, but I do know that God listened. I am grateful for that. I also asked God to help me and to not let this get in the way of what God is doing through my life to those around me that don't know him.

I woke up late this morning and was awaken also by the person downstairs listening to their music (or at least their bass) up loud. I was not a happy camper. So I thought that it was going to be a bad, grumpy, frustrating morning at my group meeting. On the way there I just listened to some music that centered me on God and prayed that it would be a good day. And it has been. The meeting this morning was wonderful and we got a lot done. And the rest of the day has been good too (I had Nooma tonight, yay!). The only thing that didn't get done was learning all my lines for my scene on Friday. But I don't really care right now. I just want to sleep through the night and not be woken by anything and rest in the peace of God. I'm so thankful that God listens to our prayers and is so approachable when it comes to venting.

One of my favorite lines of poetry goes like this "flare up like flame and make big shadows I can move in." That is the desire of my heart. I think that over the past couple of days my flames have been small, smothered by the frustration. But God allowed me to cast that frustration off and let God fan my flame so that I could "flare up". I hope that the flames will get bigger as the days go by so that God can move freely in whatever way he chooses.