Frustration

My apologies for not writing for the past 6 months. Things have been busy, revitalizing, and spiritually exhilarating. I couldn't ask for more. Sometimes I think about writing on this blog, but then realize that my time would be better used for other things. Like reading the huge amount of articles for the class that I have, memorizing some lines, or dealing with the thousands of activities that I have going on this term. I thought that by quitting one of my jobs I would have more time and be more free, but my time has just been eaten away by those things I love and don't love so much.

Today hasn't been a great day for me. I have let the tension and frustration of others feed my soul and it has landed me in a state of utter exhaustion because I have spent a majority of the day frustrated with myself and asking God why I am so unassertive. Something happened when I moved to England. I stopped being a leader and started letting others do that for me. God did not say that was okay. Part of me now craves to have a voice of reason amongst the madness, to make decisions that others now make for me. So is this lack of being assertive part of who God has made me to be? Or am I listening to the voice of the fallen one that wants me to take the back seat and see destruction instead of life? How do we tell? How do I break the habit? How do I break the way that others see me? I am frustrated with myself, and that is exactly where I hate to be. There are so many promises in the Bible of victory and overcoming. Today those promises seem far away and I am unable to speak them over my life and over my spirit. But I know those promises are there and they give me hope for tomorrow. Because maybe, just maybe, I'll arise tomorrow and be one step closer to who God says I am and who He has planned me to be.

Jane Lapotaire Returns

So Jane made her second visit of the year to come have class with us. Last time I was nervous and worried and everything turned out alright in the end. This time I was calm, it was just another class. I knew what to expect and was fine with that. Jane worked her way around the circle of us. She spent more time on some than on others, depending on what they needed. Everyone did great. Some people did new monologues-wait, Jane would kill me for saying that. They are either soliloquies or speeches, not monologues (and I quite agree with her). Other people did things they had memorized for ages, like me. I couldn't decide which one to do. My friend Katie asked a great question, "Which do you feel more comfortable with drama or comedy?" My answer was "drama." She replied "Than do comedy, what better place to try it out and get great advice for?" So I chose to do Julia's letter monologue from The Two Gentlemen of Verona. Great monologue.

When Jane had gone through everyone else she looked at me and said "your turn Kristen." So I got up and performed it as best I could. I even got a couple of laughs from my classmates. Jane had a huge smile on her face when I ended. She said that I did really well. She also said that she usually hates sitting through this soliloquy because actors usually make her feeble minded and wishy-washy. But that she enjoyed it this time. She said that the first three lines still need work, but that it was good. And then asked me to perform it again. It was a great day in class. She said she was glad that I was the last one to go and to end on a good note. I just have to apply the dedication and goodness of that monologue to two plays now. Praise God for the wonderfulness that God is in using me to reflect his creativeness and God's provision.

It's Been a Little Bit

Sorry that I haven't written in a while. Life gets away from us sometimes. I'm sure that I have no good excuse as to why, there have been wonderful things to tell you all. For instance, the three weeks that I got to spend at home with family, friends, and other people that I like. I also got to meet the two newest members of my family, Malachi Douglas, and Zachary Aiden. They are both beautiful ginger (red heads in the UK are called ginger) boys. They are growing so much and are so long, both of them have grown about 3 inches in 2 or 3 months. Amazing how fast they grow right from the beginning. It was a good time and I am so happy I went home. I am just waiting now for my Ma to come and visit me. We bought her plane ticket while I was home. So it is official, she is coming in September!

I am currently attempting to look for a job for the summer. I would like to have some work to do to keep me busy and out of trouble. My last term for the year goes until July 3. I have three performances of two shows June 17th through 24th. And my big big big project of my degree is due on August 31. It's scary to think about that. It's weird to think that I only have a little over a year left on my degree. It seems so long when I started.

I found a job that I would like to have for next year. The school has a Chaplaincy that covers various types of religions and denominations, they are looking for a lay pastor to work 10 hours a week. It is well paid and there is just something in me that really wants to do this job. I don't know what it is. I haven't ever wanted a job like I want this one. There will be several different aspects of the job, but I want it. I think it will be a wonderful way to meet more people and to do God's work on campus. (I really feel like I haven't done anything this year.) I am so used to doing things with church and chapel, etc. I miss it, a lot. Please pray that it will go well. And if it is not what God wants for me, God will provide something else that is just as wonderful.

I don't have any deep insights. I'm kind of in a hum-drum way of life right now. I am waiting for the flood of things to do starts up next week/this weekend. But I can only live in the here and now. So I'll continue to accept this gift of rest for now. Love you all!

Stratford-upon-Avon and a Brilliant Moment in Theatre

This was a beautiful sunset that reminded me of Nebraska's brilliant ones. Not as good in the picture, but still beautiful.

I'm sorry that my trend of not writing has become a habit. I don't intend to, but life and laziness happens.

A couple of weeks ago I went to Stratford-upon-Avon, Shakespeare's birthplace, and did some research at the Shakespeare Birthplace Trust and Archive. Stratford is a very small town. There is a lot of tourism, but still has retained that small town feel. I loved being there. It was so great, it felt like being home. Nothing was more than a five minute walk from where ever you are. And there are lots of Tudor homes still standing, a great feat since the Tudor period was from the early 1500 through the death of Queen Elizabeth in 1603. Crazy!

While we were there we saw a production of The Tempest. It was from the Baxter Theatre Company in Johannesberg, South Africa. And it was an African version of the Tempest. It was a great production with traditional dancing and music, they used lots of different African languages and pulled from lots of cultures, too. But I think my favorite part was at the end. There is a character named Prospero who has ruled over and island for 15 years and kept Ariel, a spirit, as a sort of slave during that time. Ariel wants nothing more than to be set free, and continually asks throughout the play, believing that every time he completes a task for Prospero that he will be given his freedom. Finally at the end of the play, the very last line to be exact, Prospero sets him free. This takes many different shapes over the years, but what they did in this production is my favorite. As Ariel approaches Prospero, Prosper sprinkles Ariel with water. Then Prospero invites Ariel to step into a wash basin of water, he does so. Then Prospero takes a gourd and washes Ariel with water, and as he does, the make-up on Ariel's body washes away. It made my heart flutter and I almost cried. It was a beautiful image to watch. I know that I bring to it my Christian beliefs, but the washing away of the sins of the past was very present in the theatre at that moment. I even get flutters as I tell others about it. Another reminder why I do theatre and the power it holds if we are willing to use it well.

I haven't been up to much since then. I am working on my paper that uses the research from Stratford. I am going to see Patrick Stewart and Ian McKellan in Waiting for Godot on Monday. I am very excited to see them on stage and see Waiting for Godot, too. Other than that my life is ho-hum. God is good and has placed some people on my heart that I have been praying for salvation for them and trying to be a good example for them and answer questions as best I can when they ask about my faith and what I believe. God is faithful.

Update

This is Katie and I at Trafalgar Square in front of one of the lions.

This is the tiring house, or the backstage area, at the Globe, looking out onto the stage. There is a huge feeling of power when you walk out onto the stage for the first time. I hope I get to feel that again.

My favorite view in all of London, at Trafalgar Square looking toward Parliament and Big Ben.

Wow, the month of February has slipped by me. I spent the first week on tour with Much Ado, was snowed out of our last two performances (so we are making one up tomorrow). The next two weeks I was in London taking classes at the Globe. If ever anything has felt good and at home and a place that I felt I belonged and was doing good work it was there. I thank God that we got to go and that it was a wonderful experience. I wish we had more classes like that and instructors like that. But we make due with what we have. The past week I have been recovering from London. It was nice to rest for a while because I was in all day rehearsals all through January. On Sunday we go to Stratford for a week to do research at the Shakespeare Birthplace Trust. And see the Tempest and meet with Antony Sher afterward. Exciting!

Last weekend I did something called Shake in a Day. Where we had people give us Shakespeare play suggestion, we put them in a hat, picked one completely at random, cast the show, rehearsed it, memorized it and performed it in 24 hours. I have never been so tense for so long in all my life. But it was so much fun. We ended up doing Taming of the Shrew and I got to play Kate. That is one of my favorite roles of all times. It was so much fun. I was very surprised at how much actual Shakespeare I memorized in that little amount of time. We didn't have to be word perfect, if we knew the gist of the line we could try and improv through it in "Shakespeare" sounding words. It was great fun. I got to work and meet some undergrads that were loads of fun.

But for all the fun and amazing things that we have been doing over the past month there is a divide happening among our little group. I hate that it is happening. We are all trying not to notice it and pretending that it doesn't exist, but it is there. And I am waiting for someone to start the fight that will make the division more pronounced and horrible. We have a break coming up in two weeks and I don't believe that it can come soon enough. I am not a confrontational person, so I'm not going to say anything. But it is affecting us. If you can pray for unity. Because I want it to be an "us", not just people together that stand each other. I want ensemble again.

On a happier note, when I was in London I saw a wonderful production of Three Days of Rain by Richard Greenberg. It was a show that reminded me why I do theatre, that wonderful things like that can occur and people are challenged to think and question and reflect. The greatest point of all was that James McAvoy was in it. It was only a three person show and everyone was brilliant. After the show I went to the stage door to get an autograph. I got James McAvoy to sign my program and he handed it back and I said "thank you" and he said "cheers" back to me. James McAvoy talked to me. (I know I'm being very girly right now. Apologies.) It was an enthralling night. It made me happy for a week!

Conquering, Blessings, and Dancing God

The past two weeks have flown by. I have spent a majority of my time in rehearsal, typically around 6 or 7 hours a day. It is exhausting. I don't think that I realized just how exhausting until today when I went to get up for church. It was a struggle. I have spent the day exhausted and plan to sleep early tonight. While others are almost done with their tech jobs, my is only beginning. So more exhaustion is on its way. But I was reminded by my church today that God will not give me more than I can handle. And that I am a conqueror in Christ. I don't do this by my own strength, but by my God who strengthens me. I am so grateful for that.

I have been so blessed by my church. It was a long road getting to a place where I knew where I needed to be. But I am sure that this is the place. Where else am I challenged every week to be better, to not just sit and politely listen to the sermon, but engage and think along with what is being spoken, to recognize just how blessed I am, to aim for excellence, to draw closer to my God and have a relationship with him. I needed to get some groceries before I headed home after the morning service. I met Rachel and Grace on my way back. I stopped. Rachel asked me if I was okay. I said I was tired. She let me go so that I could take a nap. At the end of the evening service Rachel and Grace pulled me aside and gave me a gift. They bought me a heart shaped notepad and wrote encouraging things in it. That is the kind of community that I want to be a part of. One where we lift each other up, not matter what. I felt very blessed by them.

Another thing about my church that I love is that they have a dance team. Today three guys did some hip-hop to one of the songs. It was great. And Susana, who is in charge of the group, asked me to be a part of it too. So now there are six of us, three guys and three ladies. I'm so excited to start dancing again. I just have to wait until I get back from London to join them on Tuesday nights. Yay!

Panic, Poetry, and Prayer

So Christmas break is coming to a close. Tomorrow I start to work on a show for a total of 15 days and then onto 8 performances around Devon (the county I'm in). Am I scared? Yes. Am I worried? Yes. Am I stressed out? Well, not yet, but I can foresee it coming in the future. If you ever come to England, to visit or to live, let me give you this one piece of advice: the English are not efficient, nor do they try very hard (because that would require effort with possible failure-something they don't necessarily like). So my professor, Mick, who is directing the show has been saying all along that we are going to be crap. Many of my course-mates are taking this to heart that he really thinks that we are going to be crap and therefore setting us up for failure. While part of me thinks that he does believe it, part of me doesn't. I believe that he is "lowering expectation", another thing that the English do well. But this mentality from Mick is giving concern to my fellow course-mates. I'm trying to be positive.

Since doing four summer tours, I know what a panic can be like in this situation. I don't think that some of my course-mates have the same experience, or anything remotely close. But there are huge differences between summer tour and this. One, Jeff was always organized, in some manner; Mick is really not organized at all. Claiming that he worked on research projects over break, some not even his own. We had a rehearsal schedule, down to scenes/plays we were doing when. No such thing has appeared in our little hands. Jeff, always had a vision of what it should look like. Mick has no such thing, getting our fellow undergrads to do some of the work for him, like the concept. Most importantly, I don't think that all of us trust each other.

All of this has come to a head. I am anxiously procrastinating going to sleep. I want to relax a bit, but my head keeps telling me, "get all the work done on this script that you can before you walk in that door tomorrow afternoon." Homework meaning my GOTE for every scene, what people say about me, going through Michael Shurtleff's 12 points, and general rhythm of the poetry aka scansion.

But something that I was reminded of this morning, and I am humbled by now, is that I should have been praying about this far more in advance than I have. I should have been praying from the moment that I knew what show we were doing, through getting our parts, through getting our crew positions, through memorizing, through the home work, through rehearsal, through the shows. But I haven't been. I have been relying on faith that things will be alright. But I don't have that guarantee, mostly because I'm not at Northwestern anymore; my safe haven, where everything would always be alright and turn out fine. So I'm starting today, to pray. My goal is to pray everyday on my way to rehearsal, through rehearsal, through breaks, and on my way home. Praying continually, something that I don't always remember to do. But it's up to me to pray for this show, because no one else here is going to do it. So if you remember during your day, please pray for our show, little though it is it needs so much prayer.

The People I See

It's a strange feeling to walk down the street and see a face at a distance. Then your brain starts to work and you say "oh, that's so and so". When in reality it's not, its just one of those weird look-alike experiences. I think that I have seen just about everyone here, though it's not really everyone. It's their sneaky twins that live in another place. On my way to classes I pass by a lot of students that are headed onto campus for class. Just about every morning I think I see someone from home. There was an Anna, and a Steve, and a Matt, and on and on goes the list. It's almost like God is giving me little bits of reassurance, that in this world I'm not typically a part of, there are still things I can see that are from home. God is giving comfort and familiarity when I don't always feel it. These people don't know me, don't know my past or even my friends, but they are a blessing when they come, unbeknown to them.

Blessings of the Season

If there is something that I have felt over the past two weeks, it is loved. At the beginning of the semester it was hard not really having any friends around and being on my own. But now that is not the case. Over break the people and friends in my life have shown great amounts of love and generosity toward me. People of all kinds were inviting me to their family's houses or their house for Christmas. I finally had to make a choice about where to go. And it really wasn't a choice because Liana told me I was coming to her house to make a pumpkin pie. I have been to Liana and Drew's many times over break and they are quickly becoming good friends. My friends are great people. Katie had me over on New Year's Eve and she made supper for a bunch of us, and she wouldn't let us pay for anything. I finally got her to let me bring dessert. Katie is a very giving person. And it humbles me, a lot. I am truly blessed by those around me. I can only pray that in some way I am being a blessing to them. I can only hope that I am being the light of God in their lives. So this holiday season humbleness, love and blessings have been in abundance. I am hoping that all of you have felt the same things.